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Behind my Glasses

May 3rd, 2015

Behind this hard exterior

The cold glass shell

I yearn for those unwavering

To shatter my misleading veil

I see you more clearly

While casting you out

Only those willing to crash

Will fall into my compassion

Where I comfort and protect

The place behind my glasses

My souls keyhole

I dare you to unlock

The mystery of you

Enter the shadow of me

We wander among uncertainties

Forever fearfully yet free

You are welcome to see beyond

What you believe

Compel a concentrated peek

To find yourself mirrored

Too Good

April 25th, 2015

It feeds my ego
To be good to you

I see my shallow doubts
Distracted from themselves

I care to see you
Needing to know me

It becomes nothing
With time I squander

I lift you again
So forgotten are my deeds

I am too good
For you feel everything

It blames itself
The ego for its vanity

I do too good
And then left void

I summon the thoughts
To caress the vacant walls

Its been too long
My fears bath in it

I find a comfort
In being too good for you

I then vehement
An anger much too deep

It fills my voids
To take it back

Its my soul now
Out for you to crave

I keep my good too deep
To watch the next fall bad

Just Here

February 16th, 2015

You were just here

A minute ago

Now two

Your scent is lingering

A crease in the pillow

The last sip of tea

Now cold

I lay beside where you used to be
Only an hour ago

Days can pass like this

So a lapse into sleep

Afraid my next breath will extinguish you

I strap memories onto my consciousness

It is far too easy to gaze upon them

Floating through time

So as to meet you at the next moment

Waking only to find the memories gone

You sunk into a deeper place

Where you changed me

I was just here 

A minute ago

Now two

Once Again

February 10th, 2015

If there is one thing

All too familiar

It’s the feeling of sadness

Always Lingering

Temporary distractions

Allow sanity to pretend

And get through the day

Survive my pained reflections

Once again I sit 

Watching lives of others

As mine is yet to begin

Another life to fit

Here I stare

Though realities await

Moving forward alone 

With my heart bare

To move forward

This moment sticks to me

I know the next remains 

So I grin onward

Once again life happens

Without us

Patience tortures

My dreams it dampens

-Izabela Bienko

Fix

December 23rd, 2014

I toil and burn
At the smell of you
Melting all defenses
Just the sight of you

Caressing my blood
Surging it forward
Into places I ignore
Igniting urges I forgot

Nothing stays important
Twisting around you
Distorting my senses
My mind won’t work

This moment is only for you
All other moments are stained
You sear through my skin
Into the darkness of my bones

Sweet releases of pain
Emulating your piercings
I just vibrate still
Loosing control

Eyes glazed forward
Into nothing
Nothing but you
Only you

Surges pressure on
The fluidity of me
Let it seep into you
So you may taste me

Fix your sights on me
Blur your edges
Stay here I beg
Drip into the depths of me

Succumb your fears
We can hold each other
Onto one another
Until the next moment

And the next
Time will continue
Like no space exists
Sticking us together

Constantly inside me
You remain swirling
Unforgotten among the chaos
You remind me to feel

I love you

December 16th, 2014

I love You

If I left you
It is due

To my fears
Causing you tears

I can’t go on
I am already gone

My past has come
Stirring me numb

To deal with mine
And finally align

Again to you
But not too soon

And now go
So you can sow

Both of us
Feel our cords cut

Pull in then out
So much doubt

Far too long
It’s been wrong

Back in you sink
Not twice I blink

We weave and bind
Always intertwined

To no end
We work to mend

But if you leave me
Know this please

That I love you
Whatever I do

Wherever I go
We go with the flow

Back here I see
You too, love me

Until we move together
Again and forever

Love will remain
Through all the pain

That makes it grow
Now we both know

Thank You

December 13th, 2014

In a glance
A gaze
You stop

With a smile
That smirk
It shows

For a while
We seem
The same

When it’s time
I look
And see

This is it
I say
To you

Thank You

Explorations of Becoming in Time - Some philosophical ranting

December 2nd, 2014

Becoming is Deleuze’s version of pure and empty time (Stagoll, 2005). Meaning that time is purely perceptual, not real. Empty of the tangible realness that we pretend exists because otherwise we might get lost between where we are ‘supposed’ to go, where we have been told to go, and who we have been told to be. The mind is the private place, the backstage of our becoming. We process our thoughts and emotions as they respond to our contexts. “Think. Think fast. As I systematically searched the rolodex in my mind for possible courses of action…Time slowed down. My face flushed hot with stress and relief and time surged forward again.” This ordinary affect by a classmate is an example of how time is manipulated according to our experience in a particular moment. Our perception of time going fast or slow is only apparent when we need to consider our next course of action and how quickly this decision is expected to be made. In some conditions of our experience, such as in the example above, we are forced to act quickly, to choose an action, and time moves accordingly. When we move fast, so does time. This is why becoming-different is its own time, the real time in which changes occur (Stagoll, 2005). The ordinary can happen before the mind can think. Little experiences of shock, recognition, confusion, and déjà vu pepper the most ordinary practices and moves. Sometimes you have to pause to catch up with where you are (Stewart, 2007). As discussed previously, becoming happens in-between events and is the difference that allows us to act in the first place. This happens without our perception of it; we cannot pre-conceive our own becoming. Therefore, real time only exists in the present moment of our production.

When I realized that I would never be still, not in the true sense, I realized that stillness is simply my perception of time at any given moment relative to my experience. In our definition of time, it is impossible to stop, but is it possible to go slower? Faster? “A still life is a static state filled with vibratory motion, or resonance. A quivering in the stability of a category or a trajectory, it gives the ordinary the charge of an unfolding. Or a simple stopping” (Stewart, 2007, p. 19). Writing ordinary affects is an experience of time suspended. Making the reality of how we create the illusion of time in our lives even more visceral, magnified.

The creation of time, standardized for the convenience of productivity and efficiency, is not real or pure in this sense. Working with people is best done in the space between things, which is a zone of indeterminacy that is pure potential. Deep within this space of liberatory potential reside the unrecuperated alternatives to all that comprises the empire of now (Skott-Myher, 2008). Time from the post-foundational perspective becomes restrictive and burdensome to what we could accomplish if we were not so preoccupied with the past or the future. Time in the way that we ‘use’ it is a continual reminder of what we have not done, and what still needs to be done. It will not be the last time. You will do it again, again, again. To achieve the goal that has no end means ceasing to be what you are in order to become what you cannot be. The goal is a limit approached, never reached; what is important is the process. (Massumi as cited in Jackson, 2010). What is important then, is now, the space in-between. What would happen if we were to come from this place as professionals? From a place of uncertainty and ambiguity? I would have always assumed that it would result in chaos and nothing really getting done. I am no longer so certain of that.

Explorations of Becoming as Creative Force - Some philosophy

December 2nd, 2014

The things that are manifest in our present are the products of becoming, and this state of creation never ceases. We are the continual force of becoming, or rather, the continual creative force of becoming manifests us, in the present moment, in real time. From this perspective, we do not just merely create, or become, or do in any given moment, we are the creation, the becoming, that which is already done. When we know what and how we feel in response to the manifestations of our daily world and those others who are manifest along side us, we can begin to step into a more conscious pattern of thought, in order to become and manifest those moments that truly have meaning and purpose for us, in our particular contexts. These forces of creation that we are a manifestation of, we can become conscious of through our own processes of thought, imagination, visualizations, and emotions. Being conscious of our own becoming means being open to change as not happening around us, but us becoming and changing through time, for the purpose of creation, evolution and growth. In creating events consciously, our experiments, movements, expressions, connections, and new possibilities, as the descriptors of the event convey action and productivity (Jackson, 2010). This implies that we can have a greater sense of control that can only be accessed from this place of becoming.

Multiple perspectives create complex, intertwined, messy spaces. These are the spaces of creativity. “Fleeting and amorphous, it lives as a residue or resonance in an emergent assemblage of disparate forms and realms of life. Potentiality is a thing immanent to fragments of sensory experience and dreams of presence. It engenders attachments or systems of investment in the unfolding of things” (Stewart, 2007, p. 21). Creativity is essentially spontaneous, unpredictable, and complex. In creative becoming, potentiality is infinite, yet traditional discourses aim to define potential, which restricts the possibility for the next moment.

Children and Adolescents - My thoughts

December 2nd, 2014

“The western scientific notion of biological development, with its neat series of stages and normative benchmarks, forces the world of growth and change into a predictable linear progression of limited alternatives” (Skott-Myhre, 2008, p. 42). With these models of development, the individual is never complete, especially the child. There is always a lack or something that the child needs to be able to do or accomplish before they are considered mature enough to be able to fulfill the expectations of the next stage of the model. Erikson and Piaget’s developmental models provide an example of the development-in-time episteme, for they laid out a panoptical map of cognitive development and simultaneously offer educational practices. Therefore, we automatically anticipate problems if students are held back or if they skip a grade and are out of step with their age peers. Statistical age-based norms became the basis for bureaucratic practices but also became the classifications within which people must think of themselves and of the actions that are open to them (Hacking as cited in Lesko, 2001).

For the adolescent specifically, this predictable linear progression of developmental tasks has largely vanished into a description of pure lack that prescribes an indefinite withholding of the space of maturity. The adolescent is seen as incapable of completing designated developmental tasks not only on the basis of such biological factors as brain function and hormonal instability, but also on the basis of a lack of specific markers of skill development that might indicate passage into maturity (Skott-Myhre, 2008).
“Youth were defined as always ‘becoming,’ a situation that provoked endless watching, monitoring, and evaluating” (Lesko, 2001). Not in the sense of creative becoming, but a controlled becoming according to a biological clock and other determinants that indicate whether the adolescent is prepared to participate in the adult world. This is hugely problematic because it is condescending and contradictory to assume that I have nothing to gain from being in relationship with them. Accepting the messiness of individuality, non-linearity allows for me to engage with youth from their creative perspectives. Playing music, creating art, writing, conversations, quiet, whatever that moment becomes, so do we. Standing in the ‘doorframes’ and ‘hallways’ between traditional developmental discourses is where therapeutic work is most effective because it is not restricted by predictability and expectations. The things that can paralyze our creative potential, such as time and developmental trajectories, can also paralyze our potential for growth and healing.

When children or youth, refuse to meet these stages or to resist alignment of their expectations, it stagnates the individual at a particular stage and this has significant implications for educational, social and professional development into society. This act of resistance, according to Skott-Myhre (2008) is an act of resistance to domination premised in an increasing capacity to act creatively. Refusal clears space by negating any obstacles to creative assertion. This shifts the mode of refusal from act of the negative to an act of affirmation. As creative force rooted in the realm of affect, it collapses the developmental distinctions rooted in time as interval and opens youth as the force of pleasure to be experienced in radically different ways based on the different compositions of the body as it assembles out of the becoming world that surrounds it (Skott-Myhre, 2008).

Youth is the creative force of assertion through refusal that cycles across all ages of the body, like the return of the seasons across all ages of the planet. The seasons of refusal are responsive within their return to shifts in the live body of the subject that produce vastly different identities. The adolescent is referred to here as the pause in between childhood and adulthood. Being adolescent marks a break, a space between things (Skott-Myher, 2008). Like the space between the past and the future, it is in the present moment, that we create. Also this implies that even as ‘adults’ we can be creative, and live in these creative spaces, returning to our different identities at different times, allowing for more creative potential. We can enter this eternal point of production, becoming, at any point in our lives.

Ironically, we refer to ‘identity formation’, ‘identity crisis’, ‘identity problem’, specifically when talking about youth, as if it is necessary for development. It is really a struggle between dependency and independency. In order to develop, we need to be dependant first, have a crisis from which, presumably, our independent identity takes form. We have to have an identity crisis or disappear (Lesko, 2001). Presumably, it takes a lot of work to earn your way into adulthood. However, growth, change and becoming, are a part of the human experience throughout our lives. I do not believe it is effective or useful to have the attitude of ‘I have become’ because that position creates barriers in having meaningful, therapeutic and creative relationships with children and youth, depriving them the opportunity to grow and become in ways that we could never imagine or expect for them. We must focus on the multiplicity of identities. Opportunities should be idiosyncratic, creative, and spontaneous. Conversations must become creative, not communicative in nature, so that these identities constructed through that conversation can explore infinite possibilities of shifting identity (Skott-Myher, 2008).

 

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